The Private Diary of Severus Snape
by diamond-girl-9
Summary: PRIVATE DO NOT READ This is the diary of Serverus Snape. This story was started before some of the books came out, it therefore contains some innaccurate information
1. A New Term

**PROPERTY OF SERVERUS SNAPE**

**DO NOT READ**

**PRIVATE**

1st September

This is the diary of me, Severus Snape. Now I know that anybody could be reading this so I have put a little curse on it, if you read further than this line your ears shall be turned into kumquats (a little idea I got from the Quibbler) and I laugh at you HAHAHAHA. Hopefully nobody but me shall read this diary as it shows the real truth to a man that some consider mean, cruel and evil (all which I am not). Instead if you get to know me you shall find that I am kind, wise, funny and very good looking! I think I will start this diary with a short fact file that I found in a muggle's magazine:

**Name:** Serverus Silius Snape

**Age:** 35

**Birth Date:** 13th January

**Fathers Name:** Safuis Snape

**Mother Name:** Gardenina Snape

**Siblings:** none (thank goodness)

**Occupation:** Potions Master at Hogwarts School

**Pets:** None (though I did used to have a hippogriff when I was younger)

**Favorite TV show: **What's a TV show?!?

**Favorite Movie: **Again what is a movie? I suppose it's some sort of muggle thing

**Favorite Book: **10 Poisonous Potions

**Favorite Food: **Treacle Tart

**Favorite Drink: **Pumpkin juice (what else would it be?)

**Favorite Band: **Aqua (my favorite song is Barbie Girl, but if anyone finds this out my reputation would be ruined!)

(They seem to have missed a few vital questions so I added these in my self)

**Least Favorite Person: **James Potter and Sirius Black

**Least Favorite House: **Gryffindor (duh)

**Favorite House: **Slytherin

**Least Favorite Student: **Harry Potter (hahahahaha)

**Favorite Student: **Draco Malfoy

**Least Favorite Color: **Anything bright (how can anyone stand it?)

**Favorite Color**: Black the color of darkness

Okay so that is my little fact file, obviously I am not the dark, insensitive evil Professor that those rotten Gryffindors think I am! I shall sign out now, as it is time for me to teach.

* * *

Hope you like my story plz read and reveiw, ideas are welcome

The Barbie Girl song idea comes from my story Musical Hogwarts?


	2. Romance?

Thanks for the reveiws Ime-Grint and kamakitty! Plz read & reveiw, all reveiws greatly appreciated!

* * *

**2nd September**

In my opinion, this is the worst day of the year, The first day of classes! You may be thinking, "if he's a teacher, why doesn't he like teaching?" Well the answer is so simple, that I think I must be brilliant! It is those lousy "We're to sexy for our shorts" Gryffindors!

Today, I had no less then 3 Gryffindor classes, let me illustrate to you what happened. First up I had the class that harry potter (his name does not deserve capital letters!) is in.

I was feeling pretty good for the first fifteen minutes as I managed to take 20 points from Gryffindor for reasons, which only I think, are fair. But then that harry started, before my very eyes, to flirt with a new girl, who's name I think is Evelyn. It was the most sickening sight you could imagine! Here he was, calling the girl's name over and over again. The girl handled it quite well by rolling her eyes and looking away. If I didn't hate Gryffindors, I could almost say this girl wasn't so bad. Well must leave, Dumbledore is having one of his ridiculous "Teacher Team-Work" meetings!

**3rd September**

Went to Dumbledore's meeting and there is only one word for it, OUTRAGEOUS! You will never guess what he made us do, out of all the ridiculous things he could ask, he made us write…..POETRY!

Yes, it was the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me! Including the time that my robes blew up, revealing my heart covered briefs to the whole of my seventh year potions class!

Dumbledore basically gave us a special quill and said

"This quill is designed to let your inner emotions come out in poetry. Please begin."

And without thinking about what I was doing I began to write. When we were done we were told to read them out. Everybody's were pretty normal about teaching, life goals and family, but when I stood up and read mine out, it went something like this:

_Roses are red_

_Violets are blue_

_I have a bad breath problem_

It smells like dog poo 

_I wear only briefs _

_Illustrated with flowers and leafs_

_And I am in love with a stranger_

_This stranger she laughs_

_Really darkly and husky_

_It reminds me of my mum_

_Because she used to smell musky._

_So I ask the stranger this,_

_Please don't give me a miss_

_Because I am willing to be yours_

_FOREVER _

I AM NEVER EVER GOING TO LIVE THAT DOWN! I didn't want anyone to know about the girl who always sits in the Three Broomsticks. She is exactly like I described her in my poem, but I didn't wish for the whole school to know! So now whenever I pass any of the professors (especially Mcgonnagall) they ask me how my "sweet love" is going!

Grrrrrrrr I must sign out straight away as I am not in the mood to be reminded of this terrible, terrible experience anymore!


	3. Rest time!

**5th September**

Dumbledore called me to his office today and went on a long rant about how every single Gryffindor in the 6th year (all except for Hermione Granger who I could not find an excuse to fail) had failed potions. I told him it was because they were a great bunch of dunderheads. Albus rolled his eyes and said that I shouldn't favor houses. I, favor houses! I only gave them the marks they deserved, and as all the Gryffindors are extremely stupid (especially potter) I failed them.

So now I am obviously in a very nasty mood so much so, that I am proud to say that I have just taken 50 points of Gryffindor because Longbottom was running in the dungeons again. Well I'm very tired and I'm hoping to take some more points from Gryffindor before bed so I will sign out.

**  
10th September**

Yes, yes I know that I have not written in a while but life has taken a rather unpleasant turn. Hagrid has been away on a mission for the order, so Dumbledore being the 'oh so kind man' (_sarcastic comment_) that he is has given me the job of looking after the grounds. So these past few days I have been spending my spare time doing unpleasant jobs, such as cleaning up after and feeding the Thestrals. They're horrible creatures, but at least I can see them.

Yesterday there were a few new creatures that Dumbledore made me look after, Hippogriffs! At first I thought it would be fun as I used to own one as a child but I soon realized it was going to be anything but! I bowed to the Hippogriff but it didn't bow back, for some reason it didn't think me trustworthy! Anyway, it then proceeded to slash my arm before I managed to run away. Even worse it was my wand arm! So I am now taking a well-earned rest in the hospital wing. Madame Promfrey keeps looking at me strangely (she's been doing that lately). I must get some rest.


	4. Love is Dangerous

**11th September**

Alas I now know why Madam Promfrey was looking at me so strangely. My heart is beating so fast, with excitement, yet I am very nervous. It seems that, (my hand is shaking so badly as I write this) … that the beautiful godess that I chanced upon in the Three Broomsticks, is non other than … Madam Promfrey. O this is terrible, and embarrassing, she heard of my poem from McGonagall, trust that toerag to tell her. I have now escaped from Promfrey's curious looks and have ambushed myself in my room. I can't believe that I did not recognize Promfrey without her uniform, but she looked simply ravishing! My heart flutters when I remember her beautiful lipsticked pout, and her rather adorable habit of getting lipstick on her front teeth. I just feel like sticking out my finger and wiping it off….. urgghh I am crumbling under this feeling of lust! I must stop it now! Someone is knocking at the door, I bet it is coming to laugh at me. I will just ignore them. O it is Albus I guess I must answer.

_Later_

Urrrghhh I think that is the most humiliating discussion I have ever had with the headmaster! He came to tell me "Severus, love is a beautiful thing. Its ok to be in love, don't be ashamed." giving me a comforting pat on the arm. I spluttered for quite some time, before I finally managed to spit out "I… am…NOT… in love". I have to say my face must have been bright red with embarrassment. I WILL NEVER LIVE THIS DOWN!

**12th September**

Things are getting worse, some ninny leaked my poem to the students… if I find out who it was I'll…. Ok I am snapping, but I've got to ignore this and pull myself together. Fred and George Weasley thought it would be hilarious to post up a some sort of muggle rhyme that goes something like this: Snape and Promfrey, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Yuck it then goes on to talk about all sorts of nightmarish things such as marriage and _gag_ babies. Now I can not go anywhere without hearing smoochy noises, and I even caught Albus saying the rhyme happily under his breath, of course I fixed him with a death stare, but this did not seem to help. Promfrey, dear Promfrey _sigh_ meanwhile seems to be enjoying the attention, indeed her badly lipsticked smile seems to be even wider then ever before. Could there be a chance that…. No Severus, don't get your hopes up, who in their right mind would like you?


End file.
